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While the on-floor match-up between Philadelphia and Toronto may have been slapped down by weather last weekend, the jersey battle between the two teams soldiered on heroically and ended up having all the suspense of a cage match between Geoff Snider and a large marshmallow, with votes for the big W more than doubling up on the Canadian competition. Thus we have crowned our first jersey battle victor, proving once again that you can’t spell Wings without Win. Or ings.

With a new weekend comes a new match-up and this time we’ve got the Minnesota Swarm and Chicago Shamrox going head-to-head on the floor of the Xcel Energy Center and in the ring of jersey aesthetics. You cast your vote here, and I’ll cast mine after the jump.

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I know it can’t be easy to design a sports team logo, especially in a league that’s seen more folding than an origami peacock. So when I offer this tip, I offer it with love and admiration. Jersey designers, when you’re looking to make a final decision on a team crest, ask yourself this one question: how easily can I picture this logo on a pair of Zubaz?

Had you bothered to ask, Minnesota, you would have realized that the answer was “way too easily, oh sweet Jesus somebody grab my eye-gouger” and not “hey, let’s add some zig-zags.” 1993 called and I’m pretty sure they said they want their style back, but they were on one of those gigantic Zack Morris cell phones and I couldn’t hear them all that well.

You may think I’m being a little hard on the Swarm logo, and that’s because I am. At least it doesn’t look like someone vomited it up on the side of the Scrambler, right? (Calm down Chicago, I’ll get to you in a minute.) Overall I like the Swarm jersey. I like the colours, the solid colour space, and the simplicity. I’m not in love with the jagged-edge numbers but they are fitting and I’ll give them points for originality. Truth be told my anger at the Swarm logo stems from this description from an early press release:

The primary Swarm logo depicts a swarming motion while highlighting an ambiguous insect, all in the form of the letter S.

Laugh it up, I don’t care, but I don’t see the insect and this is how problems get started. One minute you’re listening to someone tell you they can see something in an image, and the next minute you’re standing cross-eyed with your face one inch from a magic eye poster at the Sault Ste. Marie art gallery wondering how many hours ago your date left and who’s going to drive you home.

Oh, Chicago. If your design intent was to make the play of your team look better in comparison, well…genius. As our esteemed John Jiloty once pointed out, the trouble with this jersey started the day the team name was announced. Do you want to be a lacrosse team, or the Irish version of White Snake?

Anyway, ignore the team name for a second and just look at the logo. Scroll up, blur your vision, and look at the logo. That thing is on a slant. It looks fast. Improbable as it may seem, the Chicago Shamrox have managed to create the only thing on our entire mortal coil that could make the Fresh Prince Running Man dance look even fresher. Would somebody please call NASA about this? They’ve got my number blocked.

A lot of you probably think the Shamrox jerseys aren’t deserving of all the scorn I’ve heaped upon them today, and really you’re right but I need to get a few things out of my system after the work week so it’s either write this article or punt my dog across the yard. Just one last thing, promise: I really hate the orange outline around the logo. I know they were trying to incorporate another colour but it looks sloppy and uninvited. It’s like getting your birthday party pictures developed only to discover that not only did your great-great Uncle Albert find his way into every snapshot, he also no longer believes in wearing pants.

In conclusion, my vote goes to the Minnesota Swarm. Not only because they have less cringe-inducing features on their jerseys, but also because with the right ratio of Crown to Coke in my glass I would probably wear those Zubaz. But your vote is more important than mine, so let’s have it.

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