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The numbers are in and much like last week’s National Lacrosse League game between the Portland Lumberjax and Colorado Mammoth, the jersey battle between the teams came down to the wire. However, the outcome was opposite of the on-floor match-up, with the Mammoth eking out a four vote victory over the big burly Jax.

While last week we saw a jersey battle royale, this week we’ve got the San Jose Stealth facing off against the Edmonton Rush in a clash that most closely resembles a beauty pageant. An East Brewton, Alabama beauty pageant.

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The San Jose Stealth immediately lose a few points because they appear to have permanently ditched the ninja. Good thing for them this article is much like the TV show Whose Line is it Anyway where everything’s made up, the points don’t matter, and the least important person is running the show. Another good thing for them is that they did get rid of the ninja, since their team name is the Stealth and that thing looked like it couldn’t manage to shoplift a cracker from a free sample platter.

I talk a lot of crap about these logos, but today the truth is that 1) I actually liked the ninja and 2) I understand that not everyone can maintain a conversation about organic cheese with their mouths stuffed with no less than four free Triscuits. Sure, the with-ninja logo was oversized, oddly-proportioned, and looked like it was wearing a cape, (I’ve had to go back and edit the phrase “cape-wearing ninja” out of this thing twice — you’re at negative a million points now, SJ), but it was beautiful in its bizareness and provided a lot of visual interest. Now we’re stuck looking at a logo that’s either a big red target, a radar, or a geometric nipple like I (frequently) imagine Bill Nye the Science Guy has.

There’s nothing really wrong with the San Jose jerseys, and that’s the thing. They’re so safe it’s boring. The colours are standard-issue, the design is unimaginative, and the gigantic numbers look like they belong on my Great Uncle Andy’s phone. Could these jerseys be worse? Of course. Could they be better? They used to be. It’s middle of the road, and if you really think about it that’s not such a great place to be because your dumb ass could get mowed down by cars coming from either direction.

I was just about to write a little spiel on how sometimes in the world of jerseys you’re better off taking a chance and looking ridiculous than playing it safe and staying dull when I took a reminder look at the Rush jersey and hit the brakes on that thought.

Dear God: I know we haven’t spoken much since I asked you to help me find my phone charger and then I stepped on it on the stairs and cut my foot, but please don’t ever let me get into a situation where decorative barbed wire seems like a good idea. What is that barbed wire detailing an homage to, anyway? Cattle farming? Prison? WWII? The tattoo that everyone and their durd cousin got lasered off after the 90’s were over?

The Rush signature is a hand-rendered script taking its cue from skateboard culture, RPG video games and chopper graphics. Its distressed look proudly boasts the marks of battle. The signature is italicized to reflect the quick speed of the game and has the spikes of armour. - from an Edmonton Rush press release

Okay, yeah, either that or the logo looks like a stamped-in clue in a Dan Brown book. This team’s logo should look fast and intense, not like a month-old lamppost flyer about a band called Rusif. Am I the only one who thinks the Rush jersey could use some flames? Didn’t think so. I’ll bring the kerosene.

This week my vote goes to the adequate San Jose jersey. I admire the Rush for their bold ideas, but I can’t help but feel that the team’s look went in the wrong direction. The Edmonton gold rush is a celebrated bit of heritage. Can anyone say that about barbed wire? (Pipe down, Tennessee.) Use that poll to tell me how you really feel, folks.

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