NLL Insider

In the final elimination-round jersey battle last week, art imitated life and the Rochester Knighthawks downed the Buffalo Bandits, making them the final entry in next week’s jersey battle that will crown the best of the best.

But before we get to that, 2008 was a big year for special edition jerseys so it would hardly seem right to let the jersey battles come to an end without laughing at admiring the one-game-only jerseys that a few teams cranked out. Ladies and gentlemen, your competitors.

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I know what you might be thinking. “Is it really okay to make fun of jerseys that were for the most part designed for charitable auctions?” Join me, won’t you, on my trolley ride to Hades.

Ah, Portland. The team that got the wacky jersey ball rolling when Rbk ruined the plaid surprise. A high five to anyone here who, upon first viewing this jersey, did not lean in, cock their head, and say one of the following things:

• Seriously?
• For real?
• This has to be a joke.
• Wait, what kind of mushrooms were on my burger?
• No.

Love them or hate them these jerseys are exciting and even if it’s just for the haha WHAT? factor, you probably wouldn’t mind having one. And hey, since the fall of ‘06 plaid has seen a real resurgence in fashion. Eat your heart out Marc Jacobs.

Next up came the news that the real men on the Calgary Roughnecks roster would be wearing pink for breast cancer. These are a bit of an eyesore, yes, and they clashed terribly with the San Jose Stealth jerseys they were playing against, but at the end of the day they raised over $40,000 for the Canadian Breast Cancer Society. They weren’t meant to be dapper or understated and they sure weren’t meant to stand the test of fashion time. They had two purposes: raise money and awareness, and who could have a problem with that? The people who think zany special edition jerseys diminish the integrity of the league? “Oh hi, it’s the NLL calling. We’re the league that had a guy get tasered for a half-time show last season. What was it you were saying about special edition jerseys raising money to fight cancer?”

The All-Star game. Ooh la la. I can’t even work up enough interest to mock these mofos. One day I’ll find out that the Edmonton jersey designer is blind and then I’ll feel bad momentarily or at least pretend to. Until then, don’t care.

I was going to dissect the Toronto third jerseys next but I didn’t want people falling asleep in the middle of an article. An all-black third jersey is a sharp and much-requested idea for the Mammoth and you can call the jerseys plain if you want, but I think they’re classy. Combine the blackout jerseys with black dasher boards and a blackout in the stands? Spectacular. Wish I could’ve been there to see it, and not only because I live in Hamilton and would gladly spend a week at a chicken farm in Ohio if it meant I wouldn’t have to breathe the air here.

Yes, these are the special edition Toronto Rock third jerseys. No, I didn’t put up the wrong picture, they just happen to look way too much like this year’s regular jerseys. Hey I’m glad they were auctioned off for charity and all, but would it have killed them to take a design risk? Do something interesting? I mean yeah I guess the last big surprise they pulled didn’t go over so well (hands up if you’re over the Colin Doyle trade yet) but that’s no reason to be boring. I would go so far as to say these jerseys look like the very definition of a half-assed effort. Were they designed by the offense? HI-YOOOO.

Oh boy, military night! Who knew you could make a lacrosse jersey in a cotton candy machine? I like the idea of a camo jersey (thumbs up to the Victoria Shamrocks and their practice apparel) but this is a classic case of “better in theory.” Maybe if they’d omitted the purple and just used varying shades of teal? I don’t know. I also don’t know what surroundings you could possibly blend into while wearing this camo jersey, aside from maybe downtown Toronto on June 29th.

Last but not least and completely impossible to ignore, the Minnesota Swarm and their tribute to Hawaiian shirts. If you could somehow turn the movie Weekend at Bernie’s into a jersey, this would be it. The front of the jersey is hilarious, the sleeves are hilarious, and the idea of even having a Hawaiian shirt night is hilarious. I love it! Look at this thing! It’s a carnival on fabric. Would I be caught dead wearing this in public? Maybe, if someone who hated me had access to my corpse. Otherwise no. But this jersey is just fun. Completely and utterly ridiculous and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It came down to this one and Portland’s plaid but my vote goes to the Minnesota Swarm for daring to be silly and giving fans a memento unlike anything else you’ll ever see in sports, not including Dennis Rodman.

If I’ve missed any special edition jerseys, my apologies. If you can send me an email about it fast enough I might be able to get them in but it’s not like I’m handing out prizes every week (other than the hearty pat on the back I give myself) so don’t take it personally. I can’t wait for the results of this one so VOTE.

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