NLL Insider

I am not here by choice. The words to follow do not come easily. Losing ain’t fun, especially when you know the fella who beat you for your National Lacrosse League fantasy title is a punk and is lovin’ every minute of it.

So, here goes. Congrats to you, Ted Jenner. You won. I lost. Fair and square. Then again, maybe it wasn’t. From what I understand, I advanced to our title game with the aid of a scoring glitch. In any case, I figured my team … “Steal Your Faceoff” … would be up to task if for no other reason it being a tiny tribute to one of my favorite bands of all time, the Grateful Dead. I figured the vibes honoring the late Jerry Garcia might be enough for me. Alas, it wasn’t, and Jenner and his “Bob McMahon’s Afro” team scored a 25.1-12.9 win in the final game of our league.

Thing is, I beat Jenner in the first week of the season. Sure, it was a close 20-19 score, but I figured I had this one in the bag. Turns out, Jenner’s excellent vision and superb tactical skills in managing a team turned out to be too much.

So just who did Jenner have? Truth be told, his San Jose goaltenders were nearly enough to beat me on their own. With 10 points coming from between the pipes, the rest of the calculations were but a mere formality when you consider he had Jordan Hall, Gavin Prout, Mike Hominuck, Athan Iannucci and Tracey Kelusky in the lineup. Up against me with Shawn Evans, Derek Malawsky, Ryan Powell, Dan Dawson, Delby Powless and the Minnesota goaltenders, I didn’t stand a chance.

Of course, Jenner was gracious in victory.

“Well, first off all, I’d like to thank Buddha. Without his powers and wisdom I never would have been able to make it through the tough times of figuring out if dog sh*t really has a purpose,” writes Jenner. “I’d also like to thank my parents, who instilled a great deal of sanity into my personality that has allowed me to learn to cope with trash talking yokels like my fellow competitors. Your verbal diarrhea was pretty much useless against me as I just dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodged them and continued with my game plan right to the top.”

See what I mean?

As it is, this was my first time ever playing fantasy lacrosse. So now that I know the ropes, so to speak, I’m already looking forward to next year and you can bet there’s a rivalry now. Ya see, the friendly wager we had going into this title game last week was that the loser of the game would write a tribute such as the one you’re currently suffering through, if you’ve made it this far. I just hope Jenner hasn’t had too many London Fogs or too much Stella Artois to read this. He’s gotta know I lived up to my end.

So yeah, bring on next year, bring on the smack and bring on YOUR game, Jenner. And enjoy this little victory dance while you can. Because at this time next year, you’ll be scramblin’ for your thesaurus (that’s a book, Jenner) and dictionary (another book) as you try to string together complete sentences congratulating ME on my title.

And even if it’s not me celebrating a title in 2009, it’ll be just as sweet to see Chris Hall, Paul Tutka, John Jiloty, Brian Shanahan, Kevin Fixler or Lauren Ward celebrating a win over you! Yahtzee!

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